So many emotions
by VictoriaGrant
Summary: Clarisse/Josef, past term, rated M for later chapters- please read and leave me a review!
1. Chapter 1

_I was asked to write a love scene and since it won´t fit in my other stories for they are T rated, I´ll start this one which is rated M for later chapters- it´s set in the past, when the princes are still children and once again bad bad Rupert is cheating on poor Clarisse and well, you can imagine the rest- I hope you´ll enjoy this one, please read and review! :D_

"It´s snowing again."

Josef turned around to the young woman who had stepped up next to him.

She was wrapped in white fur, looking like a snowflake herself with her blonde hair and fair skin, even the blue eyes added to the image.

The queen´s smile was a little distracted, as though she was thinking about something and Josef waited patiently for her to resume speaking.

"I wish the boys could be here, they love the snow so much" Clarisse sighed, pulling her heavy coat tighter around herself.

"Are you cold, Your Majesty?"

Josef asked, watching her concernedly, she seemed too dainty to be out here on the balcony in this weather, even in her coat and gloves.

"A little bit" she admitted, still watching the swirling white mass that was turning the gardens into a winter wonder land.

"You should go back inside, you will catch a cold" Josef told her, watching as her cheeks slowly turned pink from the cold.

"You are right, I should- and you should as well" she added, finally looking at him.

"As you wish."

He bowed his head to her and the queen laughed, suddenly looking much happier than before.

"Stop mocking me, I don´t appreciate it- now come, we can have a cup of tea together before you disappear in the depth of the corridors again."

"Do I tend to do that?"

Josef asked as he followed her back inside.

"Of course you do- every time I need to talk to someone I can´t find you anywhere."

"That´s not true" Josef protested, following the queen over to her sofa where a tray with tea and biscuits was set on a table.

"Maybe not every time- but often enough, you are my bodyguard, you should be there for me."

She poured the tea and offered Josef a biscuit, then took her own tea cup.

"I shall see how I can be there for you more often then."

Josef watched a small smile glide over her face, a smile that made his heart beat a bit faster in his chest.

"So when will the princes be here?"

"On Sunday- I´m so looking forward to it."

"Me too" Josef admitted and Clarisse´s smile widened.

"I know you do- they´ll be looking forward to see you as well."

"I hope the snow won´t melt, it´s always fun to have snowball fights with your sons."

"You are so great with them, you should have children yourself, Josef."

She looked innocent when she said it and Josef wondered if she really didn´t know- but no matter wether or not she did he would have to pretend, like always.

"I don´t believe marriage would suit me, Your Majesty- I´m fully contend with my life."

"I wish I could say that" the queen sighed, leaning back against the sofa.

Seeing Josef´s look she shook her head.

"I´m sorry, I shouldn´t have said that- it sounds ungrateful and childish."

"I don´t think it does, actually I can understand you, most people can´t even begin to imagine what your everyday life looks like."

"It´s not a bad life, I have everything anyone could ever want after all" she replied, her voice even but Josef could hear the fine hint of sarcasm.

"Jewelry, fur coats, expensive cars and so on?"

He asked, leaning back as well.

"Of course- plus two wonderful children, a gorgeous husband, a rather large house."

Josef chuckled and the queen fought for a moment to keep her face impressive, then she gave up and started to giggle.

"I really do sound like a spoiled brat, forgive me, Josef."

"Always, Your Majesty- I have to go now, I said I´d check on the new camera system before dinner."

"And again you leave me alone here- besides you should have told me that I by no means sound spoiled or like a brat" the queen accused him, pouting and she looked so incredible sweet that for a moment Josef could do nothing but look at her, enchanted.

"What?"

She asked, looking a little confused.

"Nothing- I´ll go now."

"No, tell me" she demanded and Josef shook his head.

"You wouldn´t care to know."

"How do you know that? Of course I do want to know."

"I´m sorry, Your Majesty but I really can´t tell you."

"Why not?"

"I´d risk too much."

"Your job?"

"Among other things- excuse me, please."

He left, feeling her gaze in his back before he closed her office door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for the reviews, I hope you´ll enjoy the next part, it´s still not M but it´s sweet all the same- I think... ;)_

He had checked the camera system and then taken his dinner to his room with him, feeling exhausted and he had just finished eating and changed into his pajamas and turned on the TV when someone knocked at his door.

"Do come in" he called, sitting up on his bed, then he hastily got to his feet when the door opened and the queen appeared in the doorway.

"Your Majesty."

Josef reached for his robe and pulled it on while the queen closed the door behind herself.

"I´m sorry to disturb you."

Her melodic voice sounded a bit insecure, as though she was having second thoughts about this visit.

"Do you always tell anyone to enter your room without asking who it might be first?"

She then added, sounding bolder and Josef cast around for something to say but couldn´t think of anything.

She didn´t seem to expect him to say anything anyway but looked around in his room, curiously taking in the paintings at the walls before stepping over to the large bookshelf that took in a whole wall.

"Impressing" she stated, turning around to him.

"I never knew you has such a fine collection."

"I always enjoyed reading."

"So do I- though I unfortunately hardly have time to read anymore, just like you I suppose."

"That´s right, Your Majesty- can I offer you a drink?"

"Thank you, I had too much wine with dinner already- that´s part of the reason I´m here- I mean if I wouldn´t have drunk I probably wouldn´t have dared to simply knock on your door."

"You are bound to knock on my door whenever you need me" he reminded her, offering her a chair.

"I most certainly am not, you like everyone else has a right to privacy, besides you can hardly be on call for twenty four hours a day."

Josef finally had recovered from his surprise enough to concentrate on her appearance and what he saw didn´t exactly convince him that this was a good situation to be in- at least not with a gorgeous, married woman he on top of all was madly in love with, the queen was wearing a floor length creme colored silk nightshirt and a matching robe that clung to her body in a way that left nothing to Joe´s imagination.

"So why are you here then?"

He finally asked, thinking that he´d better listen to what she wanted to tell him and then convince him to let him walk her back to her rooms as quickly as possible.

She had been gazing at his Jane Austen collection absentmindedly, he knew how much she adored the author and actually that was the reason he had bought and read these books, now she turned to face him again, looking puzzled.

"Why?"

"Yes- you don´t usually pay me late night visits, not even when you had a drink too much, so what is the reason you did it tonight?"

He had a feeling he knew already but he didn´t want to encourage her, he wanted to give her an excuse to not tell him.

"Oh- yes, I was still wondering what you meant earlier- I still want to know."

"I already said that I can´t possibly tell you, nothing has changed about that."

She got up from her chair and stepped over to him, then, to Joe´s dismay, sat down beside him on the bed, her perfume washing over him in a delicious wave.

"Do you love me?"

She asked, plain and simple and only the slight breathlessness in her voice gave away that the question made her nervous.

"Your Majesty, I-" the queen shook her head.

"Just tell me, please, I need to know."

He lowered his gaze, then nodded heavily.

"Yes, I do- I love you more than I ever imagined it would be possible to love someone."

There was silence until Josef finally looked up and to his surprise the queen didn´t look angry or even shocked, there was a sad sort of smile on her face and an almost dreamy expression in her eyes.

"You never noticed until today?"

Josef asked, unable to hold himself back.

"I knew that you wanted me- I needed to ask if it was just that or if it was more, though."

"It´s more- it always has been more."

Josef admitted, wondering what she would do now, if she would fire him on the spot or only tell him that she´d find a new position for him, he really couldn´t tell what she was thinking.

She shocked him completely by leaning back against the headboard of his bed, her arms curling around her legs as she rested her chin on her knees.

"You must be thinking about this a lot- about us, together."

Josef just stared at her, completely at loss what she was aiming at.

"You do, don´t you?"

She asked, sounding more urgent now and Josef nodded, despite his better knowledge.

"I do- all the time."

"So in your imagination, what is it like?"

Josef leaned against the opposite side of the bed so he could face her while he talked but wasn´t so close to her that it kept him from thinking straight.

"It´s just imagination, they tend to be perfect, they are a substitute for what you can´t have."

"That´s not what I mean, what I mean is, how do you work it out? Are you imagining us running away together or stay here and meet in secret, what happens in your dream world?"

That was a question much harder to answer, Josef didn´t usually imagine Clarisse as the married mother of two she was, to him she was simply the woman he loved- and who in his dreams loved him back.

She seemed to have understood his silent pondering for she sighed and nodded.

"That was a silly thing to ask, of course you don´t waste your time on solutions for something you never really mean to face."

"I would face it if I could- don´t think I don´t see you, I´m not like all the others who only see your beauty, I see your personality as well."

"I know, Josef, you are most likely the only person around me who ever bothers to see beyond the facade."

"I´m doing my best."

"Because it´s your duty?"

"No- I´m not that good at my job- I do it because I love you."

"Have you ever told anyone but me?"

"No, of course not, the last thing I need is anyone knowing about this, imagine what would happen if His Majesty- if your husband found out."

"Probably nothing, I don´t think he´d care much."

"I could ask you now to explain what you mean but I won´t, we will stop this conversation and I´ll take you back to your rooms."

"But I don´t want to go back, I-"

"Please, don´t make it even harder for me, I´m begging you."

He sounded desperate now and for a moment she simply looked at him, then she nodded slowly.

"Well then, I´ll leave."

She got up from the bed and Josef followed her over to the door but when he stepped out into the corridor with her she turned back to him.

"There´s no need for that, I can find my way back."

Josef knew better than to disagree, right now it was best to put a safe distance between her and himself until he had his emotions back under control and all he could hope was that she wouldn´t mention their conversation ever again.


	3. Chapter 3

_addlogcon: Not so much that night but let´s see about the next morning, ok? Thanks for the comment :D_

_Prettycrazy: Awww, thank you, that´s so sweet- she DID go back to her room and we´ll see about Rupert- so on to the next morning..._

_JUJUChick16: Oh he´s afraid- and scared to loose his job- and everything else, well, men... Thank you for commentating :)_

_mapetite16: I´ll do now, thank you- well, he just finds it all scary and complicated and then he doesn´t know what to think about her attitude of course but more of that in later parts! _

"Joe?"

Josef looked up from the paperwork he had been doing and saw a rather disheveled looking Anthony peering into his office.

"What´s wrong?"

"I don´t really know- I was standing guard outside Her Majesty´s suite and she received a phone call and then she started yelling and now she is throwing things against the wall and I- I don´t know what to do, I didn´t go in there, I thought maybe it would be better-" the man bit his lip and Josef got up from his chair.

"I´ll try and see what´s wrong" he assured his co- worker, already on his way out of the door.

When he reached the door to the queen´s chambers he heard the unmistakable sound of breaking china and spared himself the trouble to knock, instead he opened the door and closed it again behind him, then entered the living room and felt momentarily speechless.

The queen of Genovia was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, crying hysterically while at the wall behind her the remains of the delicate china her maid had served her tea in lay broken on the floor, tea still dripping from the wallpaper.

"Your Majesty?"

Josef said quietly, slowly approaching the woman on the floor and kneeling down in front of her.

"Clarisse?"

He used her given name this time, hoping it would catch her attention but she didn´t react to him.

He waited for a moment, then reached for her hands and gently but firmly pulled them away from her face.

She looked up, obviously only now realizing he was there and instantly her face flushed, if from anger or humiliation at loosing control like this Josef couldn´t tell but that didn´t matter right now anyway, what mattered was to investigate what had caused her such agony.

"What happened?"

He asked gently, his hands still holding her´s and she slowly relaxed a little, her breathing becoming deeper and more regular.

"Rupert just called me" she answered, as if that would clear up everything and actually Josef suddenly had a good idea what had happened, though he wasn´t sure why she was getting so agitated about it, it wasn´t the first time, after all.

"I think I understand- what else?"

She laughed bitterly, withdrawing her hands from his and getting up from the floor.

"He wanted to warn me- he said he had made a really stupid mistake and gone out with her and a couple of journalists had taken pictures in some rather compromising situations- he thought he´d do me a favor and warn me that the photos might be all over the papers tomorrow, so I could work on an official statement for the press tonight, can you imagine that?"

Her voice had grown louder again and it was edgy as though she had to fight hard not to start yelling again.

Josef had gotten up from the floor as well and was watching her, feeling rather helpless.

"Josef, say something" she demanded, her blue eyes blazing with fury.

"I don´t really know what I could say."

He answered diplomatically but that didn´t go well with the queen either.

"Of course you don´t, I suppose you don´t even think it´s a reason to get worked up, do you? Being a man yourself you probably agree with Rupert that it was perfectly noble of him to warn me."

Her voice broke and she turned away from him, her slim shoulders trembling with silent sobs.

"You can´t really think that" Josef felt hurt by her statement, what reason had he ever given her to believe that he agreed with her husband when it came to the attitude the king was showing towards his wife´s feelings?

"And why not? You are all the same, all of you- oh, this is stupid, leave me alone, Josef."

"I most certainly will not leave you alone" Josef said firmly, crossing his arms over his chest as the queen slowly turned around to him again.

"What?"

"I said I won´t leave you alone" he repeated, watching as she tried to comprehend that he had just refused to obey her point- blank.

"Now that is just wonderful" her voice was dripping with sarcasm now but at least she seemed to be back in control.

"That just proves my point, if I wasn´t a woman you wouldn´t feel the need to disobey me, would you?"

"It´s not about you being a woman- it´s about you being a danger to yourself right now."

"I´m not a danger to myself, I might be a danger to my husband was he here and not somewhere halfway across Europe and if you don´t leave me alone right now I could become a danger to you as well."

She was crying again, this time in frustration.


	4. Chapter 4

_Captain Weirdo: Ohhhh, she will be, don´t worry :D Thanks very much, I´ll do now!_

_addlogcon: Thank you and of course I´ll do now!_

_Prettycrazy: Yeah, well- actually I like Rupert too, from what we know about him he seems to have been a really nice guy but well, unfortunately for him he has to serve his purpose in here- she´ll change from angry to frustrated to upset now- nothing better for an interesting story line than hysterical queens ;)_

_JUJUChick16: Don´t waste your energy, rather use that for commentating, Ill find something else to get back at him :)_

Josef shook his head, then held out his hand and after a moment of hesitation she seized it and allowed him to pull her close to her.

"I´m sorry" she sobbed, her arms wrapping tightly around his waist.

"I´m really sorry, that wasn´t a fair thing to say."

"No, it wasn´t- but I can understand you said it, no one was fair to you either."

"You are always fair to me- you never lose control and I have this tendency to make a complete fool of myself in front of you."

"You could never make a fool of yourself, not even if you tried" he told her, still holding her to him and finally she looked up into his eyes.

They didn´t speak, the tension between them taking their breath away.

"I think I should leave now" Josef managed to say at last but when he tried to disentangle himself from the queen´s arms she wouldn´t let him.

"Don´t go" Clarisse breathed against his lips, her gaze firmly locked with his.

"I have to leave, Clarisse, I have to leave now- or we will both regret it."

"You would regret it?"

Her voice was serious, taking Josef by surprise, he would never have dreamed that she would consider to cheat on her husband- and if then with someone other than her bodyguard of all people, there was tension, yes but she still happened to be the queen of Genovia while Josef was, well- nobody.

"Tell me, would you?"

She demanded, her lips still almost touching his.

"Don´t make me answer that" he replied hoarsely, starting into her deep blue eyes.

"But I will make you, I order you to answer my question, Josef, now."

"You know I wouldn´t, you know how- please, just let me go."

"But I don´t want you to go, I want you to stay here- I want you to make love to me."

"Clarisse-" he tried to pull away from her but she wouldn´t let go of him.

"You said you love me, you want me, why don´t you just do it?"

She was pleading with him now and Josef became aware how insane the situation was, here he was, holding the woman of his dreams in his arms, the woman he had thought to be forever out of reach and she was practically begging him to make love to her and he refused- but he couldn´t do what she wanted, he couldn´t sleep with her because she needed to get back at her husband and then pretend nothing had happened.

"I can´t."

She looked hurt now and finally let go of him and stepped back.

"You didn´t mean it, did you."

"What?"

"Did you want to see how I would react? How long it would take until I told you you could have me? Well, congratulations, barely twenty hours, that must be some sort of record."

She turned away from him, fighting back tears while Josef tried to comprehend what she was talking about and when he finally did, he gasped in indignation.

"You think I lied to you?"

"Of course, why else would you refuse to touch me otherwise?"

"Because I don´t want to be used by you to get back at your husband, I have told you before, I´m not like all the other man who look at you and lust after your body, I´m attracted to your mind and obviously I didn´t manage to get that through to you."

She flinched at the harshness in his voice and Josef instantly regretted his words, he spend all his life trying to prevent her getting hurt and now it was him hurting her and purposely.

He was waiting for her to turn around and ask him how he dared to talk to her like that in the cold voice she reserved for disobeying staff but she didn´t move at all, only her shoulders trembled slightly and after a moment Josef realized that she was crying.

"Clarisse?"

He reached out and touched her arm, unsure what to think, was she still crying because of her husband´s betrayal or had he really hurt her so much with his accusations?

"Clarisse, please look at me."

She turned around and before Josef could do anything she had flung her arms around him and buried her face against his neck.

Josef held her to him, gently stroking her back as her sobs grew more quiet and finally subsided but she still refused to look up at him.

"I´m sorry, I didn´t want to hurt you, it´s just- I love you so much, sometimes I think I can´t bear it anymore."

"But I love you, too" she whispered, her warm lips brushing against his neck as she talked.

"I wanted to tell you but I was too scared."


End file.
